kisaragixiii

I can't even express just how mad I am right now. I want to celebrate the birth of the most important man in my life, Masuda Takahisa, today but I don't think I can look forward today without hate in my heart. I just can't forgive the person who tainted this special day for me.

( My efforts are not rewarded )

Now that I've got this out of my chest, I still hope that some kind of miracle happens and I get a total grade of at least 75%. Massu is the kind of person who believes strongly in kotodama, as he said in Gochi, so I shall put everything I have into these words: "my final grade in this subject will be at least 75%". I shall repeat this statement every now and then until the end of July.

"Nothing has ended yet. Reach out your hand to the future. You can still walk on"

I stayed up late because I was waiting for the June 26 announcement. It's NEWS' 20th anniv so of course I'm looking forward to it. It's not like I can go to Japan and go to their concert but I'm really looking forward to their concept this time. I was hyped and everything, then my professor dropped exam dates. lol NEWS dropped concert tour dates and my prof dropped exam dates on the same day and at the same time as well. The worst part of all this is that one of my exams fall on Massu's birthday and it's a pretty important exam too. Of all the dates it could fall on, why Massu's birthday? Seriously??? I want to celebrate in peace. 

As I said in my previous post, I just can't believe I have the audacity and the mental capacity to make myself suffer. I was leaving everything to future Me and now, I'm in a state of panic. I've got 2 exams this Saturday. I have to submit a proposal and have that proposal accepted this week. I have to run so many simulations and write 2-3 papers about that. I also have a wet lab experiment accompanied by reports. All that and the deadline for all of that is 3rd week July. Gahd, will I even get out of this alive and sane?

I'm complaining so much but half of this is caused by my own procrastination so I've got no one to blame other than myself. But still. I am overwhelmed. I'll be having so many sleepless nights starting this week. Present Me is pitying future Me so hard right now.

( --Update-- )

I'm pretty sure I won't be able to forgive myself if I get a low grade for the assignments I just turned in today. Most especially if this affects my chances for the next few months.

So I took the time to read something I can't even read without assistance over actually working on my assignments. I chose to sleep over reading my assigned readings, but surprisingly, I didn't get too much into self-loathing today. And I just know it's because I don't expect a good grade over the assignments I turned in. Weirdly enough, it didn't even feel like I gave up on my assignments. That's just weird. Anyways, younger me might feel excessively happy and all but we'll probably go into crazy mad scientist mode in the next few days. Most especially since I'll be needing to finish writing one research article next week.

I just can't believe I have the audacity and the mental capacity to make myself suffer. Well, what's done is done. I'll just make sure to work hard on publishing 2 or 4 more papers before September comes.